Welcome Guest Blogger Jodi Lynn Copeland!
Do we ever really grow up?
I have to admit that Karen Foley’s recent blog on Eye Candy (great post, btw!) got me thinking about this again. What is “this,” you ask. It’s the question of do we ever really grow up in our parents’ eyes and/or do they ever grow younger in ours?
What started me thinking on this subject again, outside of Karen’s lovely post, was a recent reader review on a book that released in late 2006. The reader was quite stricken that the heroine’s mother actually talked to her about her sex life. The reader felt that it was “just disgusting.” To better explain, the heroine’s mother did not, in fact, talk about her sex life with the heroine. Instead, it just touched on the fact that her parents did still have sex and sometimes even employed toys, despite the fact they were no longer spring chickens. It was approached from a light and even humorous angle. And, yet, somehow the reader found it anything but and made the scene sound rather heinous in her review.
My first instinct was that the reader must be very young. How else could she find the notion of parents having an enjoyable sex life disgusting? But then, I started to reassess. How would I feel if it were my mother bringing up the topic of sex around me, regardless of the reason? Well, this actually isn’t a question I need to ask myself. As an author of erotic romance, I know exactly how I would feel, because I feel that way every time she mentions even reading one of my books. In a word, I am uncomfortable.
But why am I uncomfortable? I should be thrilled to know that my mother isn’t just reading steamy hot romances, but that my parents have kept the passion alive in their marriage. They should serve as the example I want to follow with my own marriage. Is it the fact that they aren’t spring chickens anymore at work? That their bodies might not be as young, spry, and unwrinkled as they once were? Or does that not even matter? Is it simply the fact that they are my parents, and as my parents they were only supposed to have had sex the two times it took to create my sister and brother (they both swear I was a miraculous conception)? Is this one way in which they will always be viewed as parents instead of equals?
The irony is that kids are generally not alone in their thinking. Most parents feel this way, as well. They don’t want to think about their children being sexually active. Is it because they want to remember their youthful innocence instead of fully acknowledging how far they’ve moved into adulthood? And does their happiness with their own sex life factor in somehow?
What I really find interesting about this phenomenon, is that many of the same women who don’t want to know their children are having sex, are the same ones regularly reading romances that features characters of the same age as their children involved in a physical relationship. What makes that different? Is it simply the lack of a relationship between the two? And would it be different outside of a book, as well. Is it more acceptable for an older woman to discuss having a sex life with a younger woman, when there is no relationship between them? Or do you find that you’re turned off (or on), by the thought of another woman (or man) of any age that isn’t near to your own being sexually active?
Share your thoughts, and if you're a registered user, you'll qualify to win a copy of my Spice release, What Happens In Vegas!
Yes, but...
I do not under any circumstances want to discuss my sex life with my mother, or hear about hers. If she's got one, great...more power to her. But I don't want to hear about it. That said, I have no problems with mother-daughter characters talking about it. It's kind of sweet.
I do, however, talk to older female friends about sex. In thinking about it, though, the friends are in their 40s to my 30s, and, well, they're my friends. Not my mom.
*Sigh* Older Friends
Okay, you made me laugh and then feel ancient wtih your older friends who are in their 40s to mid 30s comment. Fairly, I am only in my early 30s, so I don't feel too old, but after that comment I do feel a little old. LOL!
Seriously, I do think to some extent accepting that parents or elders at large have a sex life is something that comes with age. Even five years ago I would not have wanted to acknowledge it. Now, I can accept it, but yeah, I don't want those details. I mean, you did WHAT with mom last night. Yeah, ick! :D
~ jodi
argh!
Jodi, I'm in my mid-30s, so don't feel old, LOL. And yes, any mention of doing anything to mom makes me break out in a cold, cold sweat....
Much Better
See now I feel better. For a second there I thought I was older than I realized. ;)
LOL on the cold sweat. Well, I guess it could be worse though, huh?
Welcome Jodi!
Great to have you here!
I like the idea of parents and olders having active sex lives, but I can tell you that even though I write erotic romance, I don't want to hear the details of anyone's sex life. I have one family member who's a little too free in talking about sexual details, and I call it "Sex in the City Syndrome" where young women think it's okay to share way too much information. Really an ick factor. I don't mind sideways comments or generalities, etc but save me from anything that puts images in my mind... LOL With parents, kids, siblings, I think that's even more true...
I think it's great to have a great sex life, but I also think it's great to keep it more or less private. *G*
As for the reader response, it does sound like that person needed a reality check, but it's one of the dangers in the biz. I don't mind it in books when people talk to each other frankly about sex, interestingly -- maybe because it's in my head, so even though it's between characters, it's still silent to me...if that makes sense. Although I don't think I really have ever had characters like that discuss too much in detail. I actually was never a fan of Sex and the City, though, for exactly that reason. Watched a few epis and opted out because it was TMI for me a lot of the time...
Sam
Sex In The City Syndrome
Loved your Sex In The City syndrome comparison, Sam! I have to admit I was never much of a fan of the show, and I really don't care to see the movie. This shocks a lot of people who read my books with a more chick lit lean. I don't know why it is, but I do love reading and writing about this kind of thing, but I don't like watching it.
I am with you on the TMI. There are just some things we really don't need to know. And then when you do get these people who are intent on sharing, you almost feel a need to label them as cheap or needy, best friends who are allowed to share aside. Though, honestly, even in that regard, I think most details are simply TMI. :)
~ jodi
Forever Young
Hi Jodi,
First let me say I'm thrilled to have a chance to win VEGAS! I can't wait to read it and I love the cover.
Second, your post reminded me of a fantastic conversation I had about erotic romance and sex with Rosemary Laurey. She's so funny!
I've always tried not to picture my parents having sex. And when I talked about sex with my mother she'd say "I really didn't need to hear that" or "know that". Hee.
Third, I'm the youngest in the family and in my mom and sister's eyes (I don't care what they say) I'll never grow up. When I'm around them I feel 15 again. Ugh.
And last but not least, I don't wanna hear about anybody having sex if I'm not gettin' any! LOL!
VIVA LAS VEGAS!!
MelissaK
Forever Young...
Don't you just love the way some words trigger songs? Your subject had me belting out Forever Young. Fortunately, it was only in my head as I am seriously tone deaf and I don't want to render my poor children permanently scarred for life.
Ooh, glad you like the cover! It's one of those my mother raised her eyebrows at. I pointed out they actually are wearing clothes if you look closer, or at least underwear. She wasn't so sure. I am with you on the baby in the family thing. I am the youngest of three, and I think in that way it was hardest for my parents to see my growing older. When I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child my dad said he really didn't want to think of me doing the kind of stuff that is involved in making babies. LOL! Ignore is bliss, Dad, really. :)
LOL on hearing about it when you are not getting it. I actually don't find this bothers me. But perhaps it's because there is such a wealth of great erotic and hot romances out there these days, that you can dive right into one and feel like you are almost getting it.
Vegas... I would love to be there now. Haven't been back in a long, long time.
~ jodi
"Give It To Me Baby!"
LOL! I was singing "Forever Young" yesterday too. I've changed my subject to get our minds on another song. Hee. RIP Rick James.
I just entered a contest to see Chriss Angel BELIEVE with Cirque du Soleil at the Luxor. I hope I win 'cause I wanna go back to Vegas. I was there in '05 and had a blast! And Cirque is awesome!
"you can dive right into one and feel like you are almost getting it." Almost only counts in horseshoes and....LOL!
MelissaK
The Laws of Nature
Chiming in with a scientific explanation here---the "ick" factor is nature's way of keeping the gene pool fresh. We cannot help being grossed out by thoughts of people closely related to us being sexual beings because we are programmed that way. Nature wants us to NOT see them as potential partners. (How's that for an ick factor?) So although we wish those close to us a happy sex life, we don't want to know about it. I believe pheromones play a big part in identifying those who are not acceptable partners.
Fascinating post, Jodi!
Fascinating Yourself!
Actually, I am pretty sure you are the one with the fascinating post, Jeannie. This is a great explantion, and one that gets me thinking about the way olden days when they actually encouraged imbreeding to help ensure the royal lineage was pure. Has nature evolved as a matter of course then, because--let's face it--mixing like chromosomes can make for a very messy, and often physically ill, result.
~ jodi
Hi Jodi
Interesting subject. Must say that I think the squick factor comes not from the age on this issue, but from the family relationship. Funnily, I would be equally uncomfortable to hear about my brother's sex life...though admittedly, I don't have a problem knowing about my sister's.
My children are in elementary school but I have worked hard to make sure that they feel they can talk to me about anything, including questions about sex. But that doesn't mean that I would want to discuss my experiences with them or want to hear about theirs when they are eventually active.
Ick Indeed
This is a great observation. You are so right about not wanting to hear about my brother's sex life. I don't even want to think about it, as a matter of fact. Do I feel differently about my sister's, to some extent yes. So I guess the gender factor is almost as big of a deal as the familial element.
Hmm...
Hi, Jodi Lynn,
Interesting topic! I think I tend to agree with Little Lamb Lost--I think a lot of the squick is the relationship. I think it is uncomfortable thinking about my parents interacting in a sexual way. I have had a few conversations with my mom and can't say that I've enjoyed them ;) And although I have a very close relationship with my sister, discussing what happens in the bedroom is definitely a bit less easy than any of the other zillion topics we freely talk over. And I'm relieved my own children are not quite old enough to start talking with about sex--it's strange... I want to be able to talk openly with them about this but I know I'm already a bit anxious about it!
I do think it might be a distance thing--I think I would find it easier to talk about this with other people's children/parents!
I don't like to think about
I don't like to think about family and their sex lives; oh no!!! I don't talk about mine with them either.
I do talk to a friend about things but not about 'our' sex lives(dh and mine). We talk about
girlie/woman issues.
These topics were never discussed in our home and so, I believe I might have a reluctance to talk about it or explain some facts to children.
Welcome, Jodi!
What a great post, Jodi! It's interesting, because my parents were both very young when they had me and my two sisters, and were themselves a product of the hippy generation (although you would never guess this by looking at them now, with their early-morning tee-times and 4:00 cocktail hours).
My mom never talked about her own sex life (nope, thanks, don't want to know), but she and my dad were always openly demonstrative with each other, kissing in the kitchen, snuggling on the sofa, slipping away on a quiet afternoon...I didn't really think anything of it.
But my mom was very open about discussing sexuality with us three girls...maybe because she was so young when she got pregnant. I'll never forget when I was sixteen and had this seriously bad-boy boyfriend, and she took me aside and gave me this whole, "You're a beautiful young woman, and your hormones are in full-swing, and I know you're thinking about having sex with him, so let's talk about it." And we did!! And as a result, I didn't (have sex). And we ended up breaking up, which was probably a good thing, because when we met again after college, we still had that great attraction, but none of the baggage, and ended up getting married. My husband swears that if we'd had sex in high school, we wouldn't be together now.
But what's really weird is seeing my own daughter growing up, and wondering if and when I should have a serious talk with her. She'll tell me who's doing what with whom, and then we'll talk about what her thoughts are on that, and what she might be comfortable with (thankfully, not much). But I think I would actually want to know when she decided to become sexually active so I could reiterate all those messages that we're already starting to send. My husband totally disagrees...he doesn't want any boys within 20 feet of her, and tells her he has a shotgun and a shovel in the garage for any boy who dares. I think he'll always see her as his baby girl, even when she's married and has kids of her own.
Hotty Husbands!
Now why did I read all that and catch on the fact you married a hottie, bad boy, Karen? LOL! Actually my husband was the same way, and I always tell him I would not have married the guy he was when he was younger. Time really does change some people so much.
I was also one who waited until I was quite old, well in to college. I am so glad that I did, too. If I had done it in school, I would never have been ready. It would have been out of pressure. I honestly don't remember having the talk with my mom, but it may be that it was avoided because I had several years of sickness in my teens and so it was just believed that sex was the last thing on my mind. Was it? Honestly, yes. I thought about kissing a lot, but that was about it.
Sometimes I think that kids born to young parents are actually more mature in a way. Maybe they just had to do more growing up on their own or be more assertive. Whatever the reason, it seems a lot of times that they end up polar opposite of their folks.
~ jodi
TMI
Hi Jodi,
I just wanted to tell you I really enjoyed "Hot For It." I don't feel comfortable talking about sex with any relatives, except for a cousin who is like a sister to me. I'm most comfortable talking about sex with my friends. Conversations involving sex can sometimes cross a line where too much revealed and you don't know how to react. Sometimes less info is best.
TMI Indeed
Thanks, Jane! :) I just had a great time writing Ryan's (Jack's younger brother) story, and Jack and Carinna both had a couple cameos in that one, too. This one is a paranormal, so definitely different, but still the same kind of overall tone.
You know, the more I think about it, the less I talk about my sex life with anyone in person. I am just not really comfortable doing so. Well, husband aside. Instead, I talk about it with people I can't see. My Internet friends. For whatever reason, I just trust those faceless people with certain aspects of my life more than I do those I know well.
Sex talk
I will have to say I never talked sex with my mother, but my sisters is a different story. We talk about it and cut up about it. I guess its because they are closer to my age then my mother.
Lucky Lead Bottom
I have to admit I am jealous of you, Lead Bottom! I just am not comfortable enough with my sis to have these kinds of conversations, but I would love to be. I often write about siblings who do this kind of thing, discuss it, have fun with it, make jokes about it. The camaraderie is great, and it always leaves me wishing I was part of their circle.
Not with my mother
I don't want to talk about sex with my mom. It is something we have never talked about and I would not feel comfortable talking with her about.
When I was growing up, sex
When I was growing up, sex was never mentioned in our home, regarding our parents.
I am still not comfortable talking about sex with anyone other than my husband.
The fine line...
I don't mind talking about things like, say, if a friend says she wants to ask her husband to do something "more" and she doesn't know how to go about starting the conversation -- I'm perfectly comfortable listening to that, and helping her think about a way to start that conversation. However, the line exists in that I don't want to know what "more" is and I don't want her asking me about my sex life to compare notes... uh-uh... I don't tell... *G*
Sam
Ditto!
I'm in complete agreement with you, Sam. I have a friend who talks rather explicitly about her sex life, and it drives me nuts. Not so much when it's just the two of us, but when there's a group, so I think it's mostly to get a reaction, but c'mon...some things just shouldn't be shared. Worse, she'll talk about the size of ex's johnson in front of her husband--who happens to know the ex! If it bothers him, he does a great job hiding it.
Oye!
Oh, yeah, that would be really bad. And it reminds me of a shopping trip I had over Christmas. I ran into a friend from high school. She was my best friend, which is ironic given we had next to nothing in common. Even then, she was one to be quite vocal. Well, fifteen plus years have passed and she hasn't changed. Standing in the aisle of Target with my 2 year old, she proceeded to tell me all about her sex life. Yeah, wayyy too much info and wrong time, wrong place. The worst part was we hadn't seen nor talked to each other hardly at all since high school.
Sex wasn't something that I
Sex wasn't something that I ever had casual conversations about with my parents, but with my boys, I wanted that to be different. Much more open with them, and if they had a question they would come to us. And we all survived it! They are in their 20's now, and will occassionally bring girl friends home to visit, and still ask ahead of time, if it's okay if they share the bedroom. I don't, but appreciate them asking.
A Sign of the Times
You are right, Cathy. It wasn't something I discussed with my parents really much either, but it is something I do intend to discuss more with my own kids. I think this may be a sign of the times. It seems that kids are getting older at a younger age all the time. Last summer I had my ten 20 month old into Dairy Queen one afternoon. I hadn't realized it was the place the kids hung out after school. Well most of them there were between 12 and 14 and I was just aghast at the potty mouths and sex talk. Really was an eye opener and a shocker of the bad kind.
(((HUGS)))! Always so great to hear from you, hon. :)
~ jodi
Oh, What A Beautiful Day!
I admit it, I was out playing hookie with my little girl. What a gorgeous day! It seems winter was neverending in Michigan this year, so today, with the temps in the low 70s and a warm breeze, was just phenomenal! Of course, it didn't hurt that I found a new review and learned that What Happens In Vegas... is now shipping and showing up in stores, either.
I hope it was great on your end, too. :)
~ jodi
no way to emabarrsing, we
no way to emabarrsing, we did not discuss it in our family.
good to see u jodi, love the cover. love vegas.
Not with my mother, lol!
First, I have no problem with anyone else, fictional or real talking about sex with their mother. I think that's great if they are comfortable with that. I'm just not. I want my mom to be happy in all ways, I just don't want details lol. I also would not discuss details about my sex life with her. I'm sure she knows I have one, seeing as I am married with two children, but that's all she needs to know. Anything more would be TMI for both of us. :)
sex and age
you know, it really depends on how open the parents were on talking bout it. I find since we dont make it taboo in our house, my teen daughter is more likely to tell me things, that other teens her age dont tell the parents and she is less shocked too lol dnt know if that is good lol but i feel being open and honest is the best way. she sees me nad her dad kissing and thinks its great my parents are so close.. so i think it depends on how the parents treated sex and touching in the home.
Sex and Age
I think it's a good thing, Tina. That you have that closeness means she will hopefully come to you with any and all matters. And this will hopefully help her become a mature and respectable woman. My husband and I are also quite kissy and touchy around the kids, but obviously we have limits. Sometimes my husband seems to think they are blind, though. And I have to be the grownup and remind him there is a 12 year old boy in viewing distance and a 2 year old girl who repeats everything she hears or sees. I mean, yeah, that is not a good thing. LOL!
Signing Off
I am in between contracts, so instead of writing now, I get to go to bed. Wow, does that feel good! Thanks to everyone for making this a great blog day. You gave me a lot to think about, both in my life and in my books.
Wishing a wonderful weekend filled with R&R aplenty to all. :)
~ jodi
Hi Jodi
Interesting post. I could not imagine talking about my sex life with my mom. The most I have ever discussed it with is my twin sister and even then I didn't go into details. I just think it is something private.
Twins
Now that is really interesting. I think it may make for intriguing fodder to see how you and your twin differ on things of this matter. Of course, it may make a difference if you are identical or fraternal, etc. Oh, and I've always wanted a twin! :)
Ok...
I'm so distracted by the cover I can't think of much else lol
Ashley
Covers
LOL Ashley. I think that must be a good thing. :)
Thanks for dropping by!
~ jodi
And The Winner Is...
Thanks again to everyone who commented on this blog post. It made for an extra great way to spend my day on Friday and again some today. The winner of the signed copy of What Happens In Vegas, selected with my usual randomnality of my two year old *G* is Lead Bottom!! Congrats to you. :) Please send me an email to: Contest@jodilynncopeland.com with the subject line "Love Is..." and your snail mail in the body of the email. I will get out your prize during my next post office run.
~ jodi
Congrats and thanks!
Hooray, Lead Bottom! And thanks again, Jodi Lynn for an interesting topic for discussion! Happy weekend!
Let's talk about s*e*x
I have never talked to my mother about sex, that is more her thing than mine but my friends and I discuss it and it isn't a big deal. I feel there are way to many hang ups where that subject is concerned. Sex seems to be a big taboo in our culture sometimes.