When I was first married to my first husband, I knew he was a hound. That was part of what attracted me to him. I mean, I was this plain, little no one and he wanted ME? Well, we'd been married less than a month when I found out he was having an affair. The first of many. And each time, he'd swear it was the last and I'd forgive him. It wasn't until he had an affair with my best friend (taking away my support system), that I finally left him.

BUT (you knew there had to be a but, right?)

A male friend of mine had an affair. And, just like your friend's husband, there was no "reason" to. It was someone he worked too many late nights with and things just happened. And continued.

Once his wife learnt of it, though, and gave him a wakeup call, he realized what he was jeopardizing and called an immediate halt to it. To the point of jumping jobs.

And that was 10 years ago and, honestly, they're happier now than they had been before. And they thought they were happy before it happened. It was a wake up call for both of them.

Yes, he was the one who had the affair but there were things she needed to change also.

So, I think, yes, everyone deserves a second chance (just not fifteen or sixteen like I gave my first husband).

I wish them the very best!!

ani

I wish I had a definitive response, Karen.

I haven't had any experiences to offer, but do send sympathetic hugs to your friends. That has to be a rough, soul-wrenching situation.

Wow, ani -- did we both marry the same guy the first time around? LOL Although the first time I knew he was cheating wasn't until after I left him -- who knows if there were times before that, though that one was with my best friend at the time, but I was too stupid to see it at first. So who knows what else I missed along the way -- I was pretty blind back then, though I got out for a host of other reasons, and wish it had happened sooner.

But completely agree with you on the fact that sometimes you don't forgive, sometimes you do. If a guy is really willing to work at it, and if you are willing to work at it, too, and if you can both see the history and the future, then yes -- an isolated indiscretion shouldn't necessarily be the end of everything.

However, Karen, no, I don't think it ever comes down to just sex for anyone -- what we know from writing Blaze is that sex is always motivated by more than sex. ;) If you or I or whoever is driven to have sex with someone other than the person we supposedly love, there's a reason. Have to get to the reason and sort it out if you expect it not to happen again... IMO If someone says "it was just sex" then I don't believe them -- there's a reason they made that choice, somehow they aren't getting what they need from the one they should be getting it from and you need to find out why, otherwords, they're not being honest, which leads you right back down the same path...

Sam

My first husband cheated on me and we got back together. But it was never the same. You lose all the trust you had for that person. Plus in my case it happened again. I deserved better than that. And have a great husband now (12 yrs & counting). I do think some guys just don't have the same emotions as we do for sex.

*knocking on wood*
but it does seem that it is possible (but difficult) for a couple to recover from such a breach of trust. It's hard for me to imagine that it can ever be "just" sex, that even when it is, there's something else feeding into it. Like other posters' experiences seem to point out, there are repeat offenders and then there are people who fall into it/back into it/stumble into it and then truly regret those steps. I think if there is genuine regret and genuine repentance on the part of the offender and a willingness to forgive on the part of the "wronged" one (sorry--not really using the best words here), and if both are committed to communicating honestly and working hard on their relationship, then there's hope for their future together.

Best wishes to your friend and her husband, Karen K!

Thank goodness I have a faithful husband. I think it would depend on the couple involved. I know I would have a hard time getting past it. If the couple is willing to work on the relationship, I think couples therapy might be an option for those in this situation. (HUGS)to your friend. I wish her the best.

Im sorry for your friend and what she is going through.

I believe in 2nd chances, but it would be really really hard for me to trust him again if that were to happen to me. I'd always wonder... But then if its your one true love of your life.. well love is worth fighting for and working at. He would have to work for my trust again for a long long long time.

~ Wendy

I think not. Once he cheats, it is too easy to do it again---kinda like a merry-go-round.

I really don't know what I'd do. It's so easy to say one thing, but you don't really know how you'll react until it happens to you.

My husband cheated on me when we were first dating (I was 18, he was 21). I was his rebound from a broken engagement and I realize now that his cheating wasn't anything personal against me; he just wasn't ready for another committment and, at 18, neither was I really. We ended up getting back together, just casual dating at first, and have now been together for almost eleven years.

However, if he cheated now, I'm not so sure I'd be able to be so forgiving. I don't know that I'd be able to trust him again--I'd forever be wondering where he was whenever he was late, etc.

Another thing to think about is...how did your friend find out? Did he tell her? If he didn't and she found out another way...in my opinion, he can't be that sorry. And I agree with the other ladies...there is always a reason and that needs to addressed before they attempt to salvage their relationship.

And, and, and--I'm full of opinion today--I think sleeping with someone else just because it's convenient or for fun/release...whatever...is WAY WORSE than sleeping with someone that you've/he's developed feelings for. At least there are emotions involved, though it may hurt like hell on the other spouses part, and the affair is at least for a purpose. Casual flings show a TOTAL lack of respect.

And if he doesn't respect you and you can't trust him, what foundation do you have to rebuild on?

Deep breath as I climb off my soapbox. :)

...I wouldn't have my hubby! LOL - okay, not to make light of the subject, but my hubby was married before me. She cheated on him...he forgave her and worked his *ss off to make things work. She apologized and was really sorry, etc. But it didn't last long. She really wasn't interested, but gave him lip service for a while before eventually leaving him. (For the record, I met her before him, but didn't start to get to know him until after the divorce!) She went on to marry another guy and is still miserable. And I lucked out, getting the sweetest, most caring man I can imagine!! :-D I don't know that I could have been so forgiving if it had happened to me. There is that trust issue that has been mentioned by a few posters...

I don't think sex is just sex to anyone..it means something. Sometimes good things, sometimes not. But it always means something!

Hi Karen! Passing cyber-tissues for the drool (because you know I need them, too!)

Whew...hugs to your friend. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

My family is still reeling from a sucker-punch that we NEVER expected...my sister's husband walked through the door one night in June, about two hours late, and told her he was leaving her. She'd had shrimp cooking on the BBQ, a blender of margaritas ready to go...she was stunned. She'd been crazy about him from the day she laid eyes on him. He'd always been her knight in shining armor. As for the rest of us...we all adored him. Fifteen years of marriage...three kids...and for him, it was just over. He didn't even want to discuss it. He packed his bags and left that night.

My sister didn't find out until a few weeks later that he'd been having an affair with a married coworker. Within three weeks of leaving my sister, he was living with this woman. Worse, his parents, whom she'd treated better than her own family, turned their backs on her and embraced this new woman. They now refuse to speak to my parents, with whom they regularly played golf, shared Christmas Day with, etc. At first, my sister was totally insane, doing crazy, crazy stuff to try and win him back; to prove she was a good wife and partner and that SHE deserved HIM! Now she's like Roseann Barr from the movie, She-Devil, LOL! Obviously, this isn't the situation with your friend.

I think Sam is right; it's never just about the sex. The affair is just a symptom of a deeper problem. However, I do think that people deserve second chances (my sister's husband excluded!). When I was a little girl, my dad had an affair and my parents separated for one very long year. I still remember going to HER house on the Sundays we spent with Dad. But eventually, my parents managed to work things out. They went through a long "honeymoon phase" when Dad finally moved back home. And they've been happily married ever since, for 40 years. But it takes so much to forgive that kind of betrayal, and to regain trust and not want to always throw it back in his face every time there's a disagreement.

I hope they do manage to work things out, and that he realizes just how lucky he is.

Karen

Been there, Done that, and gave him a second chance. Still having problems but the running around has stopped. It took a lot of counseling and a lot of forgiving on my part but, if the marriage is worth saving and both parties are willing to work hard at putting the pieces back together again, then it's worth a try. As long as it never happens again. It's very hard for a woman to forget something like that and it's a lot harder for the woman to forgive than the man. Counseling helps both parties to talk about the problem and a good counselor can tell if both parties are willing to try to save their marriage. Your friend needs to decide if she really wants to stay with her partner and be willing to forgive and start over again. That is the hardest part to deal with.

I think it's somehow a mans basic nature to want variety and not want to settle down. Women tend to be more faithful and more willing to settle for just one person. I know that there are some men who are always faithful no matter what but, most men if given the chance and the opportunity, will stray at least once in their lifetimes.

I hope things work out for your friend. My thoughts are with her and my wishes that she makes the decision that is the best one for her. Hugs, Mads

I really don't know what I'd do if I were married and my husband would cheat on me. It would depend on the situation whether I would give him a second chance or not, but I most certainly wouldn't give him any more chances than just one. And no, I don't think sex is just sex without any emotions for guys either, unless the guy in question happens to be a psycopath.

All I can say is once a cheater always a cheater!

I think this is one of the toughest tests a relationship can go through. When I was younger, I was very black and white on this issue - ie if my boyfriend cheated, he was gone baby gone. But I've spent over 15 years with a man I absolutely adore. If he cheated on me... I would be heartbroken, but I would find it incredibly hard to turn my back on all the good years we've had between us. I would have to try to understand, to try to make it work. But trust is obviously the key issue here - because if it can't be rebuilt, then it's hell for both parties in the relationship. I had a female friend who cheated on her husband, and he forgave her. Well, he said he did, and they had therapy, etc, but it was always there between them, she always "owed" him because of her wrongdoing, and he was constantly suspicious, angry,etc. And there was often a sense that he could behave badly in other ways because of her transgression. There were other issues involved in their situation, but I really do think achieving trust and true forgiveness would be the huge challenge. But it's definitely worth the effort, especially when there are little people involved, too. And Sam wondered about the French atttitude to affairs. I'm no expert, but to quote the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels "To have an affair, that is French. To be caught, that is American." Funny in the context of the movie, but not so funny for your friend. Hugs to her, Karen, and good on you for being such a great buddy to her through her crisis.

I'm so sorry for your friend and her family, Karen. I believe if her husband is truly remorseful and tries his hardest to work through it with her, then yes they have a chance. I've experienced something like this myself and had a cheating first husband I kept forgiving. I don't know why but of course it didn't work out. That's because he never really wanted to work it out, he never really tried to. Though he said he did, LOL. Now I'm married to a great guy. Thank goodness.

Lots of sad stories shared. Karen F's bro in law sounds like a real @ss. All of it makes me shake my head. But I like to hear the stories of those who worked out, too. :)

~ Karen Erickson

http://karenwritesromance.com

I do feel sorry for your friend I'm sure she feels betrayed. I think it is hard once the trust has been violated. Ever time he is late from now on you wonder where is he? Who is he with? I do think that people can over come this but I think it would be hard especially because of the small children.

So sorry for what your friend is going through. As with some of the others, I have had similar experiences and gave way too many chances. That is just the way I am. I guess I would say I would give a second chance but I'd be cautious. And I would only give ONE more chance. If he messes that up, I'd call it quits. Everyone's entitled to make a mistake but if you don't learn from it and you keep making the same mistake over and over again, I don't think you're serious about changing. Just my opinion.

if they are both willing to truly give them and receive them. Sometimes we can forgive others so easily but not ourselves. I wish only the best for your friends. I think a**hose-ittis has not known cure at this time...LOL.

I am not quite sure if would be able to forgive my boyfriend or husband if he cheated on me. The trust between me and him would be pretty much nearly destroy, but as I have never been in such a situation I can't say if I would find a to forgive him.

I am really that this happened to your friend, it's a bad situation

I don't believe in second chances... not in these cases!

That is hard! I don't think I would forgive the guy... but for the girl who does... she has a big forgiving heart :)