Friends
I wasn't sure what to write about this morning, but the topic was staring me in the face: friends and friendships. I was reading a bit before bed last night, and getting impatient with the book because the heroine seems to be spending more time with her friends than the hero, etc and later this week, I'm going to spend a day with one of my good friends whom I don't get to see often because of our respective schedules, even though we live relatively close. We'll spend the day, and then meet up with the guys at night for dinner. I'm looking forward to that. So it gets me thinking about what makes a friendship work, friendships in books, and even lost friendships.
The things that make a friendship are different, because there are different kinds of friendships. I'm fortunate enough to have several long friendships that have followed me through a lot of changes in my life, and some friends whom I've known for up to 25 years. I don't often talk or even email with these folks for weeks or months at a time, though we always manage to pick up where we are as if no time has passed. I know they're always there if I need them. They're the ones I can call in the middle of the night if I needed to, if my car breaks down, if my cats need feeding when I'm out of town.
Online, I've met so many of you I do consider friends, and though we don't live near to each other, and have never met, but we more or less talk every day, and do so much for each other. I have several online friends I know I can vent to when I need to, confide in, and most of all, send all my neurotic writing thoughts to, and to some lucky few, gads of my drafting for their opinions and ideas. Obviously, I'm happy to do that in return, and a lot of our friendships revolve around writing and supporting each other's careers. I don't think you ever have to meet in person to be "real" friends, and these friendships are as important as any others. It's a mystery how we gravitate to each other online, how we "know" whom we can share with, trust, though we've never met. Friendship is always a risk, just like any relationship, when you place your trust in someone else.
I think causal or business friends are important as well -- not all friendships have to exist in the personal sphere -- I consider myself friends with my editors even though we don't socialize much or know the details of each others' personal lives.
Mike and I often joke that we need more friends, etc because one thing that does seem to be the case is that while we have individual people we are friends with, and they have spouses, etc it is harder to find couples friends. My single friends have much more social activity than the couples I know, and have wondered if that's because when you're happily in a couple, you don't seek outside activity as much? I think finding good friends is something that takes luck and timing, and finding couples friends takes double of those things.
I would do anything for my friends. If they call me in the middle of the day, or night, and need me, I'm there. If they email me and need me to listen, or simply need someone to bounce ideas off of or listen to the gripes that can't tell anyone else, I'm happy to. Sharing confidences and keeping them is a huge part of being a friend that I take very seriously. I think there's actually research that says people with friends in their live are healthier and live longer.
Of course, not all friendships last. I've had good friendships that somehow faded over time, childhood friendships that don't seem really to be a part of my life as an adult, and friendships that went up in flames. But I learned something, and got something from these friendships, too. Like dating and romance, not all relationships are supposed to last forever.
However, for all the importance of friendship, in books, I'll admit it, I find overuse of friendship annoying. We have to show our characters lives and showing their friendships is part of that, but I get frustrated in books where heroines or heroes spend too much time with their friends. I'll admit, I skim those parts. I do like friends to lovers stories, tho. About Last Night was mine and I enjoyed writing that book so much. One of the most romantic things Mike ever said to me was when I said something early on about if we didn't work out we could be friends, and he said "No, we can never be just friends." That might sound odd, since I think we both consider each other our best friend, but deeper than that, and always was. It touched me when he said that.
If it all had to be whittled down to one thing, I'd say a friend is basically a person who's there for you and you are there for them, and I'm very fortunate to have several of those kinds of people in my life, old and new. How about you? What makes a friendship for you, and how do you think about being a friend?
Friends
Friends are important in books, but I agree--too much friend activity and I'm turning pages. My editor warned me about too much shopping once. I wanted my heroine to vent and what better way than to shop with a friend? But...boring....so, I axed the shopping scenes.
In real life, I'm a person who stands back and watches for a while before I make friends, but thank goodness for those (like Mads) who reach out and pull me into the group. I've been so appreciative that I'm working to do more of that myself. And it works. People appreciate it.
Sam--I've so enjoyed our online friendship, and you're right. Somehow we know who we connect with. I love how you met Mike online and it worked. So cool.
Wow--my response is almost as long as your post, but great topic. Made me think.
Jeannie
LOL on Shopping
See what happens when I wake up and just write off the top of my head? HUGE posts, LOL.
I have enjoyed meeting you and getting to be friends, too -- have met so many great people through writing, and some you sort of touch base with and it doesn't stick, others it does, for whatever reasons. Glad we "stuck." :)
There's probably some huge cognitive research study somewhere that processes all the moves/decisions we make meeting people online, but I just go with my gut, online or real life. I know most of the time immediately who I'll get along with -- have messed up a few times, not often.
I can reach out a lot, though maybe not quite as much as Mads. I don't know if I am an extrovert, but I don't do "small talk" etc well, and so I guess that means I usually end up really talking to the people I want to talk to, and that either leads somewhere or it doesn't you know? I relate on a personal level, or say what I really think, and so forth. I've met people who are very put off by it, and they are probably the people who thrive on small talk.
Talk, though, is a huge part of it for me. I never shut up, LOL
Sam
Small talk...*shudder*. I
Small talk...*shudder*. I guess that's because I have to work so hard to do it right. I like banter and witty repartee, but I equate small talk with being careful about what you say. And since I have a tendency to blurt out what I think, and have to work not to do that, small talk is hard.
But on the other hand, I love a good small talker. It's an art, you know, and I admire anyone who is an accomplished practioner of an art. I'll probably stick with the one-liners myself.
Jeannie
this is why we get along
//but I equate small talk with being careful about what you say. And since I have a tendency to blurt out what I think and have to work not to do that, small talk is hard.//
I can moderate what I say to the moment, the person, but I have to feel like there's something to grab onto, something we're both engaged in -- small talk always feels like you're talking about nothing, which I guess is true, right? I end up babbling if pressured, or saying nothing at all and dropping into awkward silences.
Sam
Awkward silences
Exactly. This is why I admire a good smaller talker--they fill awkward silences effortlessly.
Jeannie
Wow!
I love what Mike said to you early in your relationship - "We can never be just friends." I got a shiver when I read that...kind of like the moment at the end of an episode of DIRTY SEXY MONEY where Nick says to his wife, "I'm yours. I'm yours." I love it when guys put themselves out there like that...so vulnerable...so great! Lucky you!
I, too, have found some amazing friends via the internet. ;) What makes a friendship for me is that connection, that big-smile moment when you realize you've got more, then more, then even more in common with someone, and it's gonna be cool. The meaning of friendship has changed for me, though. I'm a problem-solver and I've had to learn to LISTEN, not jump in with ideas or suggestions or even commentary. It's so hard to offer virtual hugs, or even to indicate, "I hear you and I'm here for you" without sounding trite or dismissive, KWIM? All those things you'd say in body language and eye contact if you were together IRL.
I never watched that show...
But later on, it did remind me of the Buffy episode where Spike tells Angel and Buffy they could never be friends... I have to admit, before I met Mike, I never had anyone say anything like that, and frankly, would never have imagined it. I remember it hit me like a pancake in the face, took me a minute to process and then I was pretty smitten too -- obviously, since above all of the things we've said to each other, that one stuck now for over 14 years.
But... I guess that's off the subject, isn't it? LOL
I think it's really true that it's difficult to communicate all of the stuff online that you do in person, then again, there have been so many times in person when someone misreads and expression or something you say... Being a writer, I find like online communication a lot, though I'm always ready to sit down for coffee and chat -- I love chatting an afternoon or evening away. :)
Sam
Ah, friends!
Hi, Sam,
I'm also thankful to have wonderful friends in my life--on-line and off-line :) And count me in, too, in the "oooh" camp regarding Mike's statement to you--what a way to let you know what you mean(t) to him!
I think the very best friends want what's best for you and help you get there through what they say and do for you. Sometimes it's an encouraging word, and sometimes it's letting me know that this outfit needs to go ;)
And I usually do enjoy books that include the friends of the couple, but it's true, I don't want it to be at the expense of moving their relationship along!
Yes!
Friends will be honest, that's a huge one. I had a "friend" once, who, in one of my low periods of writing (and sometimes, they can get very low) told me maybe I should just give up writing and do something else. I was so struck by that -- while on one hand I thought that she was doing that honesty thing, on the other hand I thought, no one who really knows me or who understands the ups and downs of writing would ever say that and think it was the best thing -- I think it was more that she had a low tolerance for listening to me complain, LOL, which is valid, but in some ways it means we really never were friends in the first place. Not really. A friend might say "shut your trap and stop complaining and get back to the ms" or they could say, "this too shall pass" and just listen...but they would never tell you to stop doing something you loved...
They should always, however, tell you when your shirt has a stain or you have toilet paper hanging out of the back of your pants. ;)
I have a few friends with completely opposite religious and political beliefs, and it doesn't get in the way -- we respect each other's positions, but often just don't discuss them, because we're too opposite. So, you find common ground. There's usually enough...
Sam
Friends
Hi, Sam...what a great topic. I know I've made some really great friends through my writing that I'm so thankful for (hint, hint). Sometimes, even on-line, something just *clicks* and you know you've connected with a keeper.
I have a really good friend whom I've known since middle school, and another from elementary school, and I think the passing years just bring us closer. My mom always tells me how important it is to keep those old friends who knew you "when" -- when you were young, single, wild, thin, etc. etc. Of course, my oldest and closest friend is my husband; we've known each other since we were thirteen, dated in high school, etc. He knows me better than anyone and even after all these years, still makes me feel like that 16-year old prom queen! I agree that a good friend wants the best for you, and I'd add that a true friend leaves you feeling good about yourself as a person, not worse.
Same back at you!
I love the click. The click is wonderful. :)
It's really cool you've kept your old friends. I got back in contact with a couple of friends from my youth lately, but it's been an easy 15-20 years with little or no contact, and I guess while I could appreciate that we were friends when we were kids, I felt sort of like a stranger now -- a lot of life and change passed under the bridge for all of us in those years, and I couldn't quite relate to a lot of those things we used to share but which aren't part of my life any more... Strange.
I like that definition, that no matter what, a friend leaves you feeling good. Yes.
hugs
Sam
I know a lot of people, but
I know a lot of people, but have only a few friends. A friend is someone who is always there to laugh or cry with you.
Some of my best friends...
Are those I've met online. And in only the last year or so, to be completely honest. That's when I started to take my writing more seriously, began to haunt forums, and began to meet people more like me. I mean, I have "real" friends, too, but only one that I can say truly gets me and my writing. And, as we all know, writing is no easy feat--one friend to cry to usually isn't enough.
This post actually came at a really good time for me, because I have this one CP that would bend over backwards for me and I for her. I would love to actually meet her, sit down, have coffee, etc. But then I got to thinking...how nuts is it that I haven't had coffee with my "real", local friends in forever, but I want to buy a plane ticket to Vegas (half the country away for me) just to share a latte and biscotti with someone I've never even met?
Now, at least, I know I'm not nuts...if some of y'all have made some of the same great connections online, too. And now I want that coffee even more!
friends IRL and online
Hail to the Redskins!
I have real friends and on line friends. Sometimes I feel closer to my online friends than my real friends. My two closest friends right now are online. Nora Roberts and our Christian faith connect us. We met through ADWOFF and found out we share a deep religious faith. Although I'm protestant, one is Catholic, and the other Mormon. We all love God and want to serve Him. We vent about our husbands and kids and politics. We talk about other authors and books and our pets. The thing with online friends, we can "talk" at any hour and in our jammies with no make up and bad hair know we're not being judged. And as Sassa says, sometimes I'm ready to fly off to see these ladies vs calling a local friend for lunch.
Sam, when I met you on adwoff, I enjoyed your posts, and was really excited to see you published. I loved your books and enjoyed our "talks" about them. When I downloaded Twist of Fate, I was disappointed that it wasn't published, but could see why you didn't want to make the changes necessary to get it published. I was disappointed when you left adwoff, but do enjoy the freedom to talk more here. Even though I don't post every day, I feel like we can pick up where we've left off and can continue to chat.
Its harder to make time to get together with friends locally due to the busyness of daily life, kids, etc. I get tired of trying to plan and give up. I feel like we just don't have time for each other and move on. When did this happen?
Teresa
I hear ya -- the beauty of the net is finding people we would never have met any other way. :)
I also lose contact with real life friends, especially if we don't keep in touch online, which is ridiculous since most of them are on a computer every day and so am I.
Oh well... it just is what it is. I think sometimes you just let things go, and as you say, you get tired of trying to make it work. I had some friends where I realized I was the one *always* making contact, always making the plans, etc and thought, well, if I'm important, they'll keep me in their radar. If they don't, well, that tells me something, too. Friendship has to be a mutual effort, like any relationship.
Sam
I feel this, too, Sassa
I think that's kinda cool, really, and I have often felt the same, though I also feel like what if I met people in real life and they are NOT as impressed? LOL What if we don't have the same click that we do online? It happens with online romance, I think it can happen with online friendships, as well, that maybe there's something in online communication that brings out things that being together wouldn't -- it's weird, I don't know why, but you never know.
However, I am looking forward to meeting people at conferences this year, though I worry that conferences aren't the best place to meet people -- it's not the same because you can't relax as much, and it's in that "Professional" context where everyone has their face on. Someone told me once they have to put on their "conference face" when they do that, and I don't think I have one... just the one face, take it or leave it, LOL.
Should be interesting... Although I can honestly say I don't piss people off nearly as often in real life, LOL
Sam
Conferences
Just an aside - Sam, are you going to the CNYRW conference in March (the one with Margie Lawson)? I'm trying to get up the nerve to go.
Carolynn
Hey Carolynn
No, because I am actually not a member anymore -- I let my membership lapse because I never made meetings, etc and it just sort of faded out. They're a great bunch of folks tho, very friendly and laid back, lots of laughing -- you'd love it. (Cara Summers is usually there, and she's the best -- find her, she's very friendly LOL), and you'll have a great time. I went to two of their workshops and it was fun. :)
Sam
Friends
Sam, I totally agree with your post. This post also made me think quite a bit about my friends, both past and present. I tend to choose my friends very carefully. Maybe it's because, the older I get, the more selective I become. A friend to me, must be someone that I trust and can talk to about anything. They must be someone who won't pass judgement but, will also be totally honest with me.
I consider myself very fortunate to have been an online friend with you for the past few years. I hope for many more years of your friendship. You were right on the mark about not having to meet someone in person to call them a friend. You are proof of this. Thanks for your support, your friendship and for just being you. Mads:)
Ditto
Hail to the Redskins!
Ditto what Mads said. Mads, did you used to be on Adwoff too? The one with the avatar of picking up the hot guy in the hot car? lol
I have to say I've become more selective as I've gotten older. Maybe its because I've been burned too much over the years, and have a harder time trusting others. I had a woman say she can't stand seeing men without a shirt. (any man, not just the ones who should be wearing shirts) I felt like something was wrong with me. I was working in a urology office at the time and was jaded. (when you see men all day...)
Sam, conferences are hard, because I feel like its speed friendship, or billiard ball friendship. I get a few minutes to talk with the authors and have to make it count. I've gotten good with this with Nora since I see her 5 times a year. Same with the authors who come and hang out with her. But its hard. Before TTP got so big, the authors used to hang out and talk with us who stayed between getting tickets and signing, but no more. Its sad, because that was a time to get to know them as people, not authors.
What conferences are you going to?
Hi Teresa
I've never been to a conference, yet, so it should be interesting. I'm going to NINC in NYC, though I think that's more of a writer thing -- they don't do signings, etc that I know of (Am I in the dark here??)
I may do RWA, or there are some small ones I might choose instead, or maybe NINC will be it, not sure, will depend. SanFran is so far away, and expensive, and considering the next two RWAs are closer, I might wait, unless something big happens like selling my paranormal or finaling in RITA.
You sound like a pro! :)
S
That's Me
Yep Teresa, that was me. I'm so glad to see you on here. Sams blog is really great. Lots of fun and some really great people. Mads:)
Hey Mads. :)
I consider myself very fortunate, as well -- few people are as enthusiastic and steadfast as yourself, even in real life let alone online. :)
Adwoff was a great board, met many good people there, but only so many hours in the day. :)
I think it's true we become more selective as we get to know ourselves better, we know more the kind of people we relate to.
Sam
Friendship is one of the most important things in life
Friends are really important for me, unfortunately I was very often disappointed my people that I called friend. I was always there for them, but when I needed a should to cry on no one was there for me.
But I have also really good friends, my online friends and they are the best!