Romantic Moments
I was talking with a young woman I know who's facing the lifechanging experiences of pregnancy and longterm relationships, and she was noticeably concerned about the dip in romance that comes with both. We talked about it a little, and she joked about how romance novels had built up her expectations for romantic moments (something like "damn your books" -- jokingly, again, we both laughed) but I reminded her that just about all romance novels deal with the very beginnings of relationships, and while our characters experience hardships, it's all in those early days when everything is fresh and new and romance is sort of the name of the game.
But what about later? What about when you're married, the kids come, the bills, and shopping for a refrigerator is the high point of a weekend? Does romance inevitably fade, or just change?
My instinct was to say that while romance is great, a real relationship where someone comes through for you is better -- where you wake up every day with someone you can depend on, rely on, and who you know will be there for you. That's worth more than all the hearts and flowers in the world. But words like "rely" and "depend" are not all that romantic, until you realize how important they are, and that takes time. Romance is fast -- real is slower.
I guess I just find that, fourteen years into my marriage, that romance becomes more something that comes in little moments, arising unexpectedly (which makes it all the more romantic) -- the little touches, the small gestures, and occasionally the bigger things, like a special dinner or going all out. But all in all, while romance may dim a little as the years march on, I tend to think it gets deeper, and more real. Things that seemed to interfere with romance, like buying a house or taking care of sick children, suddenly become the deepest roots of a relationship, and in a strange way, add to the romance.
Am I wrong?
I know it's hard for someone on the other end to believe. When you are still on the early end of things, it's hard to imagine that things will not only be okay, they will be better, and few romance novels cover this, unfortunately. But it's the real substance of the HEA, I think. HEA doesn't mean "happy all the time" or that your man will be throwing himself at your feet and professing great love every minute while he looks at you with bedroom thoughts. It's more like you get really worked up and ready to drag him off because you see what a good man he is when he puts the kids to bed, or goes grocery shopping with you.
But does it mean romance is gone, or just different?
This hit me at the airport the other night, when I was picking up a friend, and putting myself in Hugh Grant's place from Love, Actually, I noticed that most people didn't fling themselves into each other's arms (some did), but mostly men picked up their wives suitcases and loaded them in, or people shared hugs and pats and happy looks to see each other -- but it really wasn't the grand romantic scene. (Except when I drop Mike off and pick him up -- it's exactly like Love, Actually, but usually with dogs vying for kisses, LOL).
And in between that, maybe some hearts and flowers once in a while are okay, too.
So what do you all think? What are the romantic moments? Should we expect life to be like a romance novel? Do you miss the excitement we all have early on, or do you still have it, or has romance changed for you over the years of a longterm relationship? What's the most romantic, non-romantic thing that you've found in your own relationships?
Happy Friday,
Sam
Great topic
I'm happy to say that 27 years into this marriage, it still makes me happy when my husband rolls over and drops his arm over me--as he always does, every night.
Harpo Marx's wife once said that her heart still beat faster when she heard her husbands footsteps coming into the room after 20 years of marriage.
Sure, I miss the heat of the first months of the relationship, but I do not miss finding the middle ground that allows us to live together and stay in love. I've always said that if something happened, I'd never marry again, because training each other is too hard, but I love being married. I love living with a person who understands me and puts up with me, warts and all. I love hearing him talk about me with a note of pride in his voice. I love that he ignores the things that I do that probably drive him crazy. I love that we laugh together. A lot.
New love is so much fun, but I'd take a well established relationship any day. Of course, I prefer to adopt full grown cats rather than kittens, too, lol.
Amen!
Damn, Jeannie, couldn't have said it better. ;)
Sam
HEA romantic moments
Hail to the Redskins!
DH pouts and says "Roarke (Nora's INDeath hero) Ruins it for the rest of us regular guys. We just celebrated 20yrs of marriage, and went on a Carribean Cruise. We sat with honeymooners and a couple married 10yrs at the dinner table. We've come a long way in 20yrs. It was nice that he knew my sunburn was hurting without me telling him, that I was tired and was ready to turn in. I knew when he wanted to go on and when he was ready to leave. We didn't know that about each other 20yrs ago. Last night I was drooling over Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones. It was nice that he didn't get jealous or try to act like Indiana Jones--he just took advantage of the situation by being himself. If he drools over a female character, I NEVER try to imitate her, just be myself and take advantage of the situation.
I enjoy romance and HEA--it gives me hope. I know you all leave out the dirty details (I get enough of those IRL), but you know we enjoy the sequels where we see that the couple from the first book has weathered the years and raised great kids and now that generation is learning their own way in the world. Its nice to see how the couple has turned out!
Ditto
What both Jeannie and Teresa said. It's the little moments that I treasure now.
It's coming home and finding that my husband cut me a bouquet of flowers from our garden and put them in a vase for me.
It's having him yell, "It's ON!" when I dash out to do something during a commercial when we're watching Grey's Anatomy.
It's having him buy me a bag of Dove Chocolate promises without my having to tell him I'm running low--and putting them in the freezer for me.
It's his indulging my tea habit and not rolling his eyes (too much) when I sniff 20 different cannisters to find "the right one".
Romance is like happiness: it makes up in height what it lacks in length.
ani
Interesting topic
I think you're right, the real makes the romance better when it happens. And those romantic moments might be few and far between at times, but they mean more when you know they came from a sleep-deprived overworked spouse.
I think we're all on the same page
Having all been married awhile, and with kids, or other life events, I think we all kind of are on the same page. And I think it's the right page.
It was hard, though, to try to explain it to someone almost 20 years younger, and to try to explain that those changes at first might seem like something is wrong -- like, "he doesn't love me anymore" or whatever... when in actuality, he probably loves her more, but maybe shows it less, or shows it in different ways.
I hate to say it, but I also wonder if it's not romance novels as much as the "Sex in the City" generation/influence, and if they have different expectations of what longterm relationships and reality are like... Desperate Housewives probably does a better job with that. ;) And it's not to say we live without romance, but romance is just...different. :) And sometimes hard to see if you don't have your eyes in right.
Which reminds me, in the finale, I don't know how many of you watched it, but Gabi was arguing with Carlos, and something about having children, and she said "Carlos, shoes are my children! Let me be the mother I was meant to be!"
I thought it was one of the best TV lines ever... insert any other word for shoes (books, dogs, cars, etc whatever, LOL), and I think it's just a great moment...
S
I love those little romance bits...
We got two babies and one very inquisitive 10 year old. So, when the kids are out of the way, we totally take advantage.
Best ten minutes of my whole day, lol.
If that's not heat, I don't know what is. Viva the long romance. And when the kids get to sleeping all night, I fully plan on finding new things to get heated up about.
Right now, I feel romanced because he takes my hand just to help me out of bed or at the bottom of the stairs. Or cause he makes all these little jokes I can't share with anyone but laugh about until I hurt. And cause he knows my whole family and wants to grow old with me anyway.
Happy Sigh,
Dee
Amen...
I agree with Jeannie and Dee and Ani and everyone--I love reading the HEAs, but I think that expecting life to closely resemble a romance novel in the long run is setting oneself up for extreme disappointment (unless perhaps one is also independently wealthy and has very few responsibilities that might otherwise occupy one's time). Which is not to say that I don't enjoy the hearts and flowers, but in the day to day, I especially appreciate the getting to sleep in for an extra half hour because DH gets up first and feeds the kids, or all the times he throws together something for dinner because I've got my nose stuck in a book ;)
Oh yeah...
I'm dealing with this topic with a dear friend right now, too. And yes, I totally agree with everyone whose said that the reality is the true intimacy thats built over time, and with trust. Its the little things, the special moments and the years of creating a deep abiding and loving relationship that counts.
But... just to be difficult I'm going to add a twist here. I want the excitement, too. I want the sparks and the "hurry hurry lets do it in the closet its closer" wild connection. I want to check out his butt when he leaves the room and hum - and to get the same in return. I don't want to bargain away the thrill for the security.
Honestly, some days I feel like we have, but thats when I have to slap myself upside the head with the reminder that in the beginning, the sparks are just there... after almost two decades, they take work. Sometimes alot of work LOL. Planning for private time, dressing up as if it were a first date, all that stuff. I mean, I doubt he's gonna check out my butt when I'm wearing my ratty, baggy flannel jammies with the holes in them, so if I want the spark, I need to take the time to wear something else (or do some serious shopping -really, I should get rid of those jammies but they are soooo comfy).
Does that make sense? I guess I'm just uber greedy... I want it all.
Totally makes sense!
I guess I'm greedy, too--I'd love it all, Tawny, but I agree that I probably need to be putting a bit more effort in so that I can get more of the results I'd like :) (Hmm... guess this ratty ponytail and these sweats just aren't doing it here either... ;))
LOL
I actually agree, and I think the other posters would too -- no way was I saying you lose spark or settle and never have any excitement, but I think there's a transition, maybe several of them, where you move from that place where you are all over each other all the time, where it's almost like you have to prove how into each other you are by romantic gestures, etc to a place where you don't need to do that, you know? Or maybe it's just that the gestures change, because as a person gets to know you, they get to know what matters...
But you do need to be all over each other now and then. ;)
And Tawny, I think you are just rationalizing a shopping trip... LOL
Sam
Have Visa, will travel
Visa card, that is...
And Tawny, I think you are just rationalizing a shopping trip... LOL
LOLOL - You caught me, Sam.
I am so ready for a major shop-0-rama trip!!! I'm holding off till the end of June, though, when I go to Vegas. Nordstrom Rack there is AMAZING...
:) Ahem--I happen to spend a
:) Ahem--I happen to spend a lot of time making out in dark corners. My husband and I go by the motto, use it or lose it, lol. I think it's the secret to a great relationship.
The magic
I love hearing htat, Jeannie! Its all about keeping the magic alive, huh? I love your motto *ggg*
Really?
Ours is: "If you grab it, you can have it."
Ok, I admit it. I grope my hubby. But really, it's his fault. Can't go walking around looking that good and not expect me to do something about it. Sheesh.
Teehee!
You go, Dee! That's showing him! ;)
It is *totally* his fault! :-)
If he didn't look so good, I wouldn't be so tempted!! And with some things, I just don't have that much self control, he he!
Dove Dark Chocolate Promise
When I unwrapped one this morning it said:
Sometimes a smile is worth more than a dozen roses.
It made me think of this topic!
ani
Big awwwwwws
That is so cute. :) And true.
Mike and I had a little backyard campfire last night in a small pit we bought and made smores, and it was his first smore.
After 14 years, still some first, and it pleased me ridiculously to be able to have that moment with him. Even if they were a little too sweet for him, and I don't care for marshmallows, LOL.
Sam
This is terrible...
But I when they have the TV commercials showing men making these huge, expensive romantic gestures, Mike and I always will joke "yup... he cheated on her..." LOL
I know it's not true, completely, and who doesn't like presents, but small stuff, the little piece of chocolate, or thoughtful things, are just as good if not better...
Maybe I just don't trust the grand gesture LOL
Sam
HEA
Hail to the Redskins!
DH kept offering to buy me jewlery on our cruise. I'm not a big jewlery wearer, and kept thinking of all the books I wanted to get with the money instead. He kept saying "I offered" I kept answering, "you'll get the bill from Amazon next month". He shook his head. Hey, I get more enjoyment from books than from jewlery. I'm enjoying my books from amazon. Just waiting for yours Sam!
Hey Teresa
I think that's a great trade, Teresa! ;)
It's available at eHarl now, in ebook and print, I believe.
I have to say, I very much enjoyed the anthology -- and I believe Debbi Rawlins will be doing a paired blog with me sometime at the end of the month, so keep an eye out. :)
Sam