Tree Half-Full, Tree Half-Empty, or It's Just a Tree?
As a writer, you get used to rejection. Lots of it. Or at least you think you do. Unfortunately, I think what really happens is that on some level of our psyche we’re always expecting it, and that’s not good.
When, regarding my caution over a current submission, my agent told me that I should “Go ahead and expect everything,” and to shoot for the moon and worry about disappointment when it happens, I was struck by how cautious I’ve become. When I handed in my first book, I was downright cocky. I thought it was great. I was pretty sure Harlequin would be crazy not to take it.
They did buy that book, but five years later, after a lot of false starts, bad ideas, harsh rejections, failed attempts, I have learned, as I told my agent, to “temper my expectations” – but thinking back, does this mean I’ve become a pessimist? Has writing made me a Negative Nellie?
I can't blame writing, which also makes me ridiculously happy at moments.
Sometimes, though, I am definitely a pessimist, like when you all were lauding the coming of the beautiful autumn on Karen’s blog, and all I could think was are you crazy? It’s the end of summer… winter on the way…screw colorful leaves! The tree is definitely half-empty, dammit. It is the harbinger of dark, snow, cold, ice, dry skin, boots, jackets, and high heat bills.
But, it's only for a little while, I suppose. It's a break from lawn work and a chance to do crafts. That's about as optimistic as I can be. The end of summer is depressing for me, and I don't like winter. Unless it's mild with no snow. I also bought a nifty new jacket that I'm looking forward to wearing, though it's not for the serious cold.
Yet, the evening I sent in my mystery series proposal to my agent, I went out to dinner with Mike to celebrate, and I was flying high. I knew it was good (which has now been confirmed by outside sources, like my agent). Mike and I spent dinner talking about what actors should play who in the movie or TV show. (And no kidding, among those considering it at the moment is a movie producer! Don’t get too excited – it’s long odds that anything would come of that, but it’s still fun to think that a movie producer was actually interested in my idea.) It was good to have that feeling of knowing again, though. I count talking about this to you all as being very optimistic, you should know. *G*
I also take great pleasure in small things, a slant of light through the trees, the birds on the feeder, a flower in bloom, a good joke.
So does that make me an optimist, pessimist, or something else? I can be dark in moments, but I don't like to be, though endlessly cheerful people who only see the up side annoy me to no end.
I think they need some new categories. Is anyone ever either/or?.
I took this quiz and it says I’m a “defensive pessimist” – I look at the bad side of things to hedge my bets and prepare for the worst, while remaining hopeful, and I generally do pretty well. Looking at the worst case allows me to keep control of my emotions. I think some of this is true, though I don’t like the label.
Another one says I’m “Sunshine with Patchy Fog”: Everything's coming up roses--most of the time. My outlook is optimistic, but I tend to think more positively in the short term rather than in the long run. I see the good side of the present moment but don't necessarily incorporate that into my overall attitude.
Right on.
I think that’s actually very accurate and I like the meteorological description. I'm happy, in general. I have a great life, but I don't like looking down the road too far. When I submit writing work, I always feel great about it – why wouldn’t I feel good about submitting work I think is ready? But as time passes, doubts set in, and caution or pessimism increase, even if I fight it.
How about you? Optimist, Pessimist, or something in between?
Take one of the quizzes and report back, or just share your thoughts, and any pearls or wisdom you might have, and if you are a registered user you might win one of my backlist books. I’ll make it pretty darned easy for you to be optimistic about winning, since I'll be giving away a bunch. ;)
If you don’t want it, or already have it, you can give it to a friend. How’s that for cautiously optimistic?
And if you want, at WikiHow they have some advice for how to be more optimistic, which you can read by Clicking Here
Same wavelength
Sam, you and I must be on the same wavelength. The first test labels me a Defensive Pessimist and the second, Sunshine with patchy fog. I actually thought I was doing better in terms of seeing the cup as half empty vs half full than I used to be. Oh well. It has been a rough weekend. My mom was near the path of the hurricane and refused to leave her home after what she went through a few years ago when my nephew made her evacuate for a false alarm. She's fine, but while she was not in a mandatory evacuation area she does live right on the coast. I spent the weekend imagining all the worst things that could happen so this may have influenced my choices.
I believe our early experiences really help to shape the way we think in these terms. My mom says I was always a happy child, smiling and ready to take on the world. Then something happened in my teens where I learned that cheaters could undermine your good efforts and surpass you by means of unfair play. After that experience and a few others from my 4-H days, I became rather pessimistic about life and always expected to do worse than I thought I was capable of so that if I failed it was something I knew would happen, but if I succeeded, then I had reason to celebrate for awhile.
A few years back I worked very hard to change that mindset, but I guess it's starting to creep back in.
The way I changed was to create a blessings journal, where each day I had to write down five things I was thankful for. I also made a point of praying for people who represented something negative -- whether it was someone who was unkind to me or one of my children or a person who made things difficult for me in some way. It's hard to stay angry at someone who you're praying for.
Regardless of the "whys" I guess it's time for me to bring that journal back out.
Life Experience
Yes, life experience does have a cumulative effect. Have enough hard knocks, and it does affect how you see things, for sure.
Though it can work both ways, I guess. After you've been through tough times (the really hard ones, illness, death, divorce, etc) then you can also have perspective on life that makes you happier overall -- the daily stuff is manageable. I know after going through a few hard times in my thirties, I tend to be happy in general because I know what it's like to be really miserable. All we have to do is turn on the news to get some perspective.
I like your journal idea. I think I tend to rely on the "life's too short" thing, and I also try to stop over thinking things at some point. That's probably my worst habit, is thinking something to death. It takes practice to be able to put things out of your mind, and I usually find that work helps, or doing something fun, and you can.
Sam
I like the journal idea too.
I did start one of positive quotes and if I read through it I can usually find one that will lift me up. But I need to read it.LOL
This is the one that will help today. We don't stop playing because we grow old: we grow old because we stop playing. George Bernard Shaw. Now I'm going out to play.
I got defensive pessimist
I got defensive pessimist on the first one and sunshine with patchy fog on the second one. I'm not so sure I agree with the first one, I usually see the bright side of things but I am a worrier. The second result sounds a bit more like me. I try to see the sunny side of most situations but there are times when I let the blues take over, usually not for long, though.
Took the tests
got same results as everyone so far.
Defensive pessimist and sunshine with patchy fog. Maybe we are just human?
Cheryl and Kaelee
Yeah, I think we are human. ;) And it's really hard to put human beings in any category, even optimist/pessimist. ;)
I don't know what I think about the defensive pessimist thing either -- interesting that so far no one has come up the other way.
I think the sunshine and patchy fog might be for those of us who don't like the unknown -- we can be happy in the moment, but we get pessimistic if we look too far ahead because it's unknown, uncontrollable, and that makes us feel squicky.
Sam
Defensive Pessimist here
The first test said I was defensive pessimist and the second one said this. Scattered showers: Your view of life is relatively balanced, but you lean more toward pessimism than optimism. Look on the bright side, though--you think negatively about the short-term but that doesn't seem to affect your view of life in general. This does sound a lot like me.
I think that's kind of nice, actually
So you are the opposite of my patchy fog, though I think I do that sometimes, too -- I tend to have really strong momentary reactions -- I will react very emotionally in the moment, and then I calm down and can be more level in general. It gets me in trouble sometimes. *G* I have learned to let emotional storms pass, and try to wait for the level part, most of the time...
Sam
Well...
The first one said I wasn't consistent enough to be either or. LOL And the second said "Sunshine with Patchy Fog" for me, too, and I think that's pretty accurate. I'm mostly optimistic, but I have my moments, usually when it comes to my writing (or lack thereof). I'm very optimistic when it comes to other people in my life (kids and hubby, for the most part) and I never think of the bad things that could happen, to them or to me. Granted, I may go into something nervous, but I don't torture myself with thinking of the worst-case scenarios.
BTW, don't count me in the contest, because I haven't had a chance to read the books I won from you last time!! LOL :P
I need to take a page from your book
I am a terrible worst-scenario person. Even if I don't say it out loud or act on it, my mind always goes to the worst case. I guess that's the defensive pessimist thing. It's annoying though. A habit I've tried to break, but I usually blame it on a too-active imagination... But I wonder why we don't as easily imagine the best cases and the happiest endings? Maybe because of the disappointment when they don't happen? But wouldn't we be happier in the meanwhile? Logically, I can see this, like my agent was saying, but it's hard to actually do...
Sam
I am a worst case person also
and I try so hard not to be. My husband is an optimist not an over the top la la land merry sunshine but he never worries about the little things. I know that sometimes I spoil his pleasure because I think What IF way too much. I think it may have a bit to do with genetics but not totally. I have tried to be more positive. Sometimes though if I imagine the worse case and then ask myself if I will still be alive at the end of it I can talk myself out of the What IF's.
oddball here
For the first quiz I got strategic optimist and the second Bright Sunshine. I live be the philosophy that things happen, most time I can't change them.
With reading I tend to lean heavily on the optimistic side cause the book just has to get better
Christa
I want to be you.
Kaelee
thanks. I tend to take things in stride, roll off the back. I can't do anything to change it, why cause myself the stress of worrying. Like last night the power went out. Sure I was mad that I might lose a lot of food in the freezer but could I do anything to change it, could I make hydro workers work faster, no. Maybe I could do a lot of cooking today:-) but it was only off for 4 hours last night so I'm ok.
If I was a writer I'd probably be in middle thinking "if they like it great, if they don't I'll try again.
I'm okay with that kind of stuff
Daily stuff doesn't bother me mostly. I'm fairly laid back about that stuff, too.
For me, career is a big one. We're always working on spec (work first, pay later, maybe much later, IF it sells), and when it's your livelihood, that's hard. Think of working your regular job for 40 hours a week, but you're not sure if you'll get paid for it because they might tell you they didn't like the work you did that week, or whatever. So you just have to come back to work the next week, and hope you might get paid then, learn to improve, and hope you get paid that week.
I wonder how many people would stay in a job like that (uh, writers, actors, LOL...). But I bet if normal jobs worked that way, we'd have a lot of unhappy people. *G*
Sam
My husband is a commissioned salesperson
We have lived a bit like this for about 35 years. Good times balanced by lean times. The other 5 years of our marriage he was on salary and not happy.
Commission sales is tough
Though a good salesman can do really well. It's a talent all to itself. My SIL did well with it. I'm glad he knew what made him happy. :)
Sam
Okay, apparently I'm pretty
Okay, apparently I'm optimistic, but cautious. That's pretty accurate I guess. And I LOVE when the leaves turn. I try not to think about winter, but even winter is cozy to me, probably because I don't have to commute on the icy roads that much anymore. I remember when I was making a 2 hours drive to and from work everyday that winter was hell.
J.K. Coi
Immortals To Die For
www.jkcoi.com
Oh, okay...
You got me, I do like the pretty leaves and a lot of the aesthetic stuff about fall. And I don't have to commute either, and it's a huge plus! Very happy about that. :)
Sam
Hm...
Off the top of my head, I think I tend towards cautious optimism (if there's such a thing!)--I want to stay positive in the big picture, but like you, brace myself in case that isn't true immediately so as not be completely crushed. I've noticed that I'm trying to speak more positively, at least, because I want to model that for my kids. My son has one friend who tends to be immediately pessimistic if things aren't looking bright right away (even when say, they're just playing a video game)--I personally find it annoying, and I'm trying to encourage all of them to look beyond the immediate and keep going. Sort of ties into perseverance and all that, too.
I'll have to take one of the quizzes and report back... :)
sorta
It's kind of the opposite for me -- I am easy to be happy in the moment, it's thinking about the long term or the big picture where I get snafued.
Also agreed, though, I don't like to be around negative people -- really negative people. I can be negative in moments, but not all the time. It's an energy drain.
Sam
OK...
The test says I qualify as a defensive pessimist, and the other said I'm a Sunshine with patchy fog (Everything's coming up roses--most of the time. Your outlook is optimistic, but you tend to think more positively in the short term rather than in the long run. You see the good side of the present moment but don't necessarily incorporate that into your overall attitude.)
Hmm... interesting! Now it has me questioning how well I know myself ;)
Sunshine with patchy fog
Another one waving hello! I think this is pretty true of me. I can be very pessimistic about some things, and just not care enough about others.
I call myself a realist. I don't know if that's true, either, but it straddles the line between optimist and pessimist. At least, I think it does!
ani
Hmmm
I don't know, because most of the people I know who would call themselves realists are really pessimists. ;)
For me, I like to be happy, want to be happy, and try to do things that will make life happy. I think I am basically optimistic in a lot of ways but I do have that dark little thread that runs through... maybe none of us escapes that?
Sam
Nice topic, Sam
I think it's easy to become discouraged and negative after disappointments happen, to start expecting a "no" instead of a "yes", waiting for the other shoe to drop...It takes an on-going effort to have "psychological hardiness" and keep a positive (but realistic) attitude.
ah, the shoe
Yes -- this is the patchy fog, I think -- those of us so well acquainted with the second shoe. We do get conditioned to expect it. I think you stated it perfectly Charli (though again, I question realistic, because realistic can be very negative, depending on your reality -- maybe we want something more like "reasonable?"), and I like "Psychological hardiness." like the plants. they keep on sprouting...
Sam
Great blog
I am a optimist, but with a heavy grounding in reality. I'm not pie in the sky, but I roll with the punches and readjust accordingly. I've always had a can do attitude, and that's how I look at life. I believe that I can do things. So usually I do them. Sometimes I fall on my ass, but I do my best to dust off and try again.
I guess the question is always
I would describe myself more or less like this, too. I get up and keep going because I don't see or like the options. ;) which I think is more pessimistic, LOL.
This is probably that defensive pessimism, because as I say this, I think about all of my accomplishments or successes, and they are often won by sheer determination not to quit, or setting my sights on something and believing in it, but I can't say it's always cheery en route... *G*
Sam
I am cheery enroute--for the
I am cheery enroute--for the most part. There are times I grit my teeth and gouge away at the goal, but I stay positive most of the time because it's my nature. My daughter's outlook is so different than my own. I don't think she's ever taken a test without calling me to tell me she failed. Then, what do you know? She has an A or B on it. Then she professes amazement.
Yup, I got an 83
I'm a defensive pessimist, though I like to think of it as looking at the bright side of the dark side. Bad things happen, often to good people who don't deserve it (which, hey, sometimes I do) so I like to be prepared. But I also don't like to be hampered when bad things happen, so I remind myself that bad things might be what we need to get to the good stuff.
I'm terrified when I think of the good things happen. I'm trying to take that advice, I really am. I'm just not sure optimism is in my dna, lol
I love this!
Yes -- or, the dark side of the bright side? So, we hope for the best, but consider the worst (consider = being excruciatingly aware of the worst?)? I think that could be how I would sum my idea about that up.
You bring up the other thing, which is so true -- the worry about just being happy about something. I never know what to think about that, because I am happy, in daily life, but being happy about something (yay, a movie producer and a wonderful pub house is looking at my book!) is usually accompanied by the disclaimed (but they could reject it and it's likely nothing will come of it...).
I would like to just focus on the first part, if I could train my mind to do that. I think it's when we become more aware of the stakes.
Sam
Pessimist
On the first test I got 73 and was labeled a defensive pessimist. On the other test I got 23, "Sunshine with patchy fog: Everything's coming up roses--most of the time. Your outlook is optimistic, but you tend to think more positively in the short term rather than in the long run. You see the good side of the present moment but don't necessarily incorporate that into your overall attitude." I think the second score is more accurate. I think I'm somewhere in between. There are times when I'm a total pessimist and believe that everything will go wrong no matter what.
I have to share this with you all
Some of you will know, but this is kind of what I mean the dark side of the bright side... check out these posters.
Demotivation -- I think it's hysterical and weirdly uplifting because it cuts through the crap and makes you laugh. This is bent, yes, but I would find these more motivating than positive aphorisms (depending on the aphorism). I think the Pessimist's Mug is downright hysterical.
What do you think? I love Adversity and Consistency. LOL
Sam
LOL
Now, those I find funny!! Several of them were spot on.
I know I maybe sounded pessimistic in my early post but I live by the quote "Happiness makes up in height, what it lacks in width." I think that is true. It may not stick around as long but it more than makes up for it when it's here.
ani
We have a smattering of
We have a smattering of these posters around the school (teacher's room, principal's office), because when you work in a junior high, one's mood tends to darken and these help a lot. Also, I find demotivators much more realistic than the true motivational posters. When I see a real motivator, I'm always very disappointed when I read it and find no irony.
I like the demotivation posters a lot
I think a lot of them are more motivational because they seem truer to life to me. I like the vision and whining ones.
PS Procrastination too!
My husband liked them too!
It gave him a laugh on a day when he needed it. He was in a very minor fender bender sandwiched between two cars. Very minor damage to his van but it shook him up. He found the pesimist mug for me, the clothing,and the Sweettarts. Thanks again for giving us a laugh when we needed it.
I'm glad it wasn't serious...
Glad the bang-up wasn't too bad, but those things do shake a person up. Also happy you got a laugh. :)
Sam
LOL
And unfortunately, there's too many times when we can look at real life and see unintended irony... LOL
Humor is great medicine, and great motivation.
Sam
I think I am odd person
I think I am odd person out.
The first one gave me Strategic optomist and the second Bright sunshine.
I have always thought of my self as a pessimist.
But you got a good surprise then!
You're even more optimistic than you knew. ;)
I have to re-read the Strategic Optimist one, and get my mind around that...how it works. Amazes me that people get entire degrees in this stuff. ;)
Sam
Mostly Optimistic
I would have to say I am mostly optimistic but there are definitely times when I am not. I think it's normal to worry about things but you can't let that overwhelm you.
Soul Sisters
Hail to the Redskins!
Sam, I think we are Soul Sisters. I, too am a Defensive Pessimist and a Sunshine with Patchy Fog person. I did find how the quizzes were set up quite interesting. The first one said to think of a situation and answer the questions with the situation in mind. I've been having issues with my in-laws and took the first quiz with that situation in mind. I'm a defensive pessimist in that situation. I've been dealing with my in-laws for 20yrs and do prepare myself for what may happen, otherwise, I'm shot down and am miserable. I do put up a wall and prepare for the worst so I won't get hurt. You can only get beaten down so many times before can't get up again.
As for the second quiz, it gave you different situations and asked for your reaction. These are situations I've been in and have had a great time. For example, the party where I only know the host. Sure, I'll stick by the host, but in my experience, the host will introduce me to someone that she'll know I'll get along with and I'll have a good time--even if her motivation is to get me out of her hair, lol. My kid doesn't do well on her test, well I don't automatically blame the teacher, or automatically assume she's bad at math. (it isn't her strongest subject, but she holds her own). I know she'll do better the next time. Dh is strong in math and he'll help her and tlak to the teacher and make sure she does better the next time.
As for the Demotivators, I got some good laughs. Its true. My favorite was motivation--if it takes a poster and a cute saying for you to do your job better, then you've got an easy job. Uh, motivational sayings have their place, but aren't always the total answer. I liked the one that says "a few flakes working together can cause an avalanche". Thats true also.
Sam, I think your job can be tough. If you get a few rejections in a row, you've got to either get thick skin or start wondering about things. I would worry every time I sent a manuscript in, wondering if it would be rejected, or if sales wouldn't be right and my series cut...
As as reader, I check everyday to see if you've posted anything, and I check the shelves every month to see if you have any new Blazes published. I keep wondering when the SuperRomance is coming out, along with your stand alone. I'm optomistic that you'll get those books published. So, there's the Sunshine in me wondering when....
Hey Teresa!
Great to see you here. :)
What great comments about the quizzes -- I think your examples are really good. Yes, there are appropriate times when it makes sense to temper our expectations (ie, protect ourselves) and prepare and other times when we can be more open. I guess the trick is know which is which. ;)
All jobs are tough in their way, I just never realized how it can get inside your head. And I suppose it comes down to thinking about what you've accomplished more than what you haven't, but that's easier on some days than others! LOL
As for the books (thank you! you are a sweetie), I am working on a Super, but it's another proposal, so it's wait and see, but hopefully we might know by end of this year, and I do have the mystery series books out with publishing houses (and the movie producer! LOL) now, so waiting on those, too. The next Blaze is June 2009, because I was taking time to write all of these other things. The mystery series book (just the first book) was a labor of love, I tell you. I am crossing all crossable body parts that it sells. And you can bet you'll all know when it does (see? optimistic there, a when, not an if... ;)
Sam, sharing a little late night sunshine. :)
Hi Maureen
I think it's normal to have times when we're not happy. I'm always suspicious of perpetually cheerful people. ;)
Sam
Offensive Pessimist
Loved your post, Sam, and congrats on your mystery series. Using offense in the offense/defense scenario (I'm all about football since Line of Scrimmage came out) I'm the "offensive" pessimist because I feel like I'm always preparing for disaster. I've had the single best month of my writing life with ALL kinds of incredible things happening, and yet I'm waiting for the disaster. Always. On the offense. :--)
www.mariesullivanforce.com
Understand you Marie
Hail to the Redskins!
I've been having issues with my in-laws, and things came to a head a while back. We've been on eggshells with each other since. Things went well at MIL's brothers 50th anniversary celebration last weekend. Sept 27th is evil SIL's youngest 3rd bday and I'm wondering if something will happen. My dh has been behaving himself lately, but I do wonder when the other shoe will drop and he'll go back to his old self. I'm also preparing myself for what may happen at my nephew's bday party. There was an incident at his first birthday party. I skipped the second birthday party. Giving it another try....
LOL Marie!
There you go -- get rid of those worries by smashing them to bits. I like that.
What you describe sounds like my and Dee's proverbial dropping shoe, and maybe we learn to fear it even more when things are going well. ;)
Glad things are going well for you, though, and hope it stays that way!
Sam
no worries
I love the visual I get from the statement: "get rid of those worries by smashing them to bits."
That's something I needed to hear tonight because of some concerns I have over kids, my mom's health, and finances. Here's a thought: imagine writing down a list of your worries with a sharpee marker on old, chipped and battered dinner plates, and finding a basement or other wall that you can safely throw the plates against. Or, you could do something productive by smashing some colored tiles with each representing a different concern into small pieces and then using them in a mosaic craft. I was at the home of an acquaintance last year who had created a tile mosaic countertop in a bar area of the basement room she and her husband had finished. It looked great.
It would also work with smashing a freezer bag filled with oreo cookies that you use in a chocolate trifle dessert.
Or, the next time you need to tenderize or flatten a steak or piece of chicken for a recipe you can take your frustrations out that way. Also productive.
Can you tell I had a stressful evening?
My cup has barely anything in it tonight.
But tomorrow will be better.
If not, I'll make that trifle dessert. I made one for a party recently that everyone loved and all I did was layer smashed oreos, cool whip, chocolate pudding, and crumbled brownies.
Food
I used to bake when I was angry. Once, when I was very angry at my (ex)partner, I baked an entire day. When he came in that night, the counters and table were filled with baked goods.
He looked around, and then said, "Didn't you do anything today?"
I reached for the flour...